Letters to Narcissus

Narcissus,

You told me that you loved me a few times.

I had it in writing, audio and memory. If I closed my eyes I could still hear you say it and with the followed up of calling me dumb. I still remember the heat in my stomach and the wet smile on my lips. If I wanted to, I could feed the demons with our pain.

(What continued your I love you was what hurt.)

You see, it took me two years after our whimper as an end to finally realize the failures in us.

I may have committed capital sins with open eyes and dirty hands. I may have made them unconsciously, but at the end of the day, the murder was committed by you. 

I was jealous, possessive and irrational with you. I made the three thousand mistakes because I was never taught to love a living being. however, you were better.

You knew better.

I would not say that there is a litter of the grudge of 2016, although I still have drops that I use ink for this letter. 

I still cling to the pain of what you marked with your crooked M. 

I can still memorise the way you looked me in the eyes and delicately. with murder to a broken animal and without honest malice you warned me of my personality. The one I bathed in acid and burned just to have a smile from you.

The one that didn’t like to ask help from you.

The one that today is demanding that someone helps him as you once offered. Because you created a crutch of me and it is costing me the rehabilitation of myself.

There is a before you that was the wave that you knew how to tame, once again it was not intended. 

It was that you could not accept that the wind did not bend before you. Because a relationship of two storms was conflicting.

The one after you, you wouldn't like. It was despicable, crying in corners, getting high in buildings and swallowing alcohol. Because your name still tasted like butterflies. 

I was desperate to erase what my love was tearing apart.

The one who follows that one, found the help that you wanted to give.

I don't blame you, not much.

I understand that you had a reason in your definition of me. That you had your wrong manias in wanting to explain to me why you didn't like how I rejected bad work and the way I could deny your love when you didn't deserve it. 

I understand that there is no harm that comes for good. You were right, I needed to change in order to grow.

But not like that.

Narcissus, I now understand that at the end of the three years we were a test for both of us. You needed an injured animal and me the hunter.

We needed each other to evolve. 

I would not know if for the better, because I heard that you committed robbery and I broke souls. Or for the worse, because I laugh with people who hug me and you have started to open your house.

My dear Narcissus, now I see it. That these sins, these crimes that destroyed us, that made you despicable before my eyes and me guilty before yours. Were necessary if we wanted to see each other again.

My Narcissus, take care, don't forget that you were my first love.

Yours

T.A.