I’m 23 and I’m fine

I’m 23 and my lips are whiter than snow

I’m 23 and my heart could never use for a transplant

I’m 23 and they all have your name but I only call myself no one

I’m 23 and I forgot how to love since I had 20

I'm 23 and I don't know where I'm going but the middle with the end feels near

I’m 23 and I have more fingers than friends

I’m 23 and I learned to say I’m fine before I crawled

I’m 23 and I say it to remember that's the present and not the past

I’m 23 and every day of every stolen second I carry on without missing you

I’m 23 and I don't what I have done of myself

Ta.

I liked you because the moon stole the smile, you created a laugh from the waves of the sea

I adored you because while the hunter feared the fangs from the lion, you made a nest out of the feathers of your scavengers.

You won me because when I was an awkward echo that sought to please, you brought me a broken reflection and said that God had died aeons before we were born. 

Because when all I saw was damage and torment you laid in my hand, my heart and gave a name to every artery that I had cut. 

I chose you because when the whole universe said not you, nor him, nor anyone else, you were like an Olympic winner and grabbed my hand to tell me that we were no one so I could be someone. 

I lost myself in finding myself because, without you, I wouldn’t have made it. 

Ta.

Everything that we were, we are and will be, always comes to me between twenty and twenty blocks, it is a circle in a knot that turns me into ghosts at every moment of my life.

I am eternally remembering all that we were in the midst of fights and battles, I find ourselves between hugs and reflections of glances.

In every opportunity that I miss you, I hear the three knocks on the door and we are in every intoned word and every wrong road taken.

I cannot free ourselves from the middle where we were and I think I know that that is because what we were and will be, what is the beginning and the end, I will always protect it in the vault of my last breath.

Ta.

I want to apologize to any person who I mistreated on my way to growing up, my intentions were that of a drowning person, nobody slapped me so I wanted everyone in the depths of the void with me.

I am sorry that I believed that those I loved I would never hurt, I thought that what was toxic in me would stay in my soul and it wouldn’t be a contagion that would remain in you like powder.

I thought better of all this for every time I cleaned my hands with the thought that you had some guilt in this, and I know that it is so, I know that in my lies I made myself of clay for you and I was a stranger who liked to be who you needed.

But every volcano explodes and I, I'm Vesuvius and I'm sorry, I’m really sorry that I'm not going to tell it to your face.

Because I wouldn’t know how to start or end, I wouldn’t know why I feel it when it is what I am, I wouldn’t know how to ask for understanding when even my brain is full of excuses and explanations.

It’s more a lament because you met me, but that nobody should ever say, because everyone deserves to be remembered. 

However, I am sorry, I am sorry that I allowed you to deceive me, I am sorry that in my mind games I did you enough damage for you to return the blame to me, I am sorry that I trusted and believed that the stripes that I marked as a warning would protect us both but I only played with them like children with pigtails.

And I'm sorry that when you only wanted a friend, I was an enemy.

Ta.

I refuse to believe that this feeling is of one, nor do I accept that you do not share this agony.

It is likely with a chance and perhaps that we are different experiences and our souls are not in sync,

but I know, with the firmness that it is to challenge the sighs of death, that there is a shared desire,

I know with all the knowledge that I deny to the value of stupid, that you and I have the pact to share the love that we do not know how to say,

because accepting that love is a one-way street is like saying that the sun has died.

And so I know that when I loved you, you cared for me and that when you desired, I planned

and there is no simpler understanding that we have is a commitment with an error in the organization.

Ta.

The sadness after all,

is that at the midnight of your birthday I wish to tell you everything that you deserved but we are now strangers

every time that a street has the echoes of you I want to send you a photo and talk until autumn, but we are nameless

I stay in the hills sighing because I know deep in my molecules that your shoulder would bring me the answers that the world can't, but now we are amnesia.

And the heartache of it all is that,

yesterday I fell for someone on the street, and tomorrow I will fall for someone in college and the day after tomorrow I will fall for someone in the elevator. 

However, they will hold no value if I can't tell you how their eyes with their hair competed for my attention

because those are words for the imaginary of you in my mind, since the sad part of all is that you are a constant state of mourning.

Ta.