Stolen

Dammit,

fuck everything,

I have lost what I was looking for and there is no point in continuing.

Fuck your expectations and your demands,

I'm defeated, in a corner,

with my head between my knees

and cursing every star in heaven,

my demon has been stolen

and now I am empty.

T.A.

A life

Disappointment is my first response,

the wait for no one is what I know how to do

and kissing the air is my intimacy,

and I'm not beautiful,

tragic and poetic.

I'm depression at all times,

apathy for two days

and false smiles on the lips.

It's a life, my life.

T.A.

A secret

Can I tell you a secret?

Come closer

It’s a midnight whisper

let’s swear it in blood,

and not share it:

With eyes of the colour of lugs

the wickedness on his lips

and the intelligence in his words

(I want him)

He has long, bloody fingers

family far away

and he knows more about sin than forgiveness

(I desire him)

There is a stress on his shoulders that he doesn’t talk about

the scent of bonfires nights that haunts me

and the warmth that feeds me

(I need him)

he is not mine

he shall never be,

maybe he wants me

maybe he doesn’t

and I only know that I would never dare,

but, God, if I love him in secret.

TA.

Brown eyes

Girl with brown eyes

The world has bathed you in red

And your name has been forgotten,

They do not sigh poems for you,

They do not laugh tragedies,

They abandoned and despise you.

And they have left you crooked.

But my girl with brown eyes,

You are untamable and precious,

From you, there are tears and complete oceans,

I've sighed your name between bottles

And you've left me badly hurt.

Girl with brown eyes,

Do not listen to their reasons

That are vicious and selfish,

Listen to mine

That are sweet and delicious

Believe me when I say

That for you I die and live

That in you lies my first and last wish

That I led all my paths to you.

That without you I do not exist.

That in your eyes the world exists.

T.A.

Failure

And failure hasn’t got the taste of sea salt with the darkness of closed doors. It is the cold in the spring with the rain at night. It is all that hurts and you can’t explain it. With a broken groan that is your soul dying. It is poison direct to the heart that leaves wounds in the chest and you can’t breathe. It is all the bad in you. It consumes you from bones to skin, until you are a forgetfulness of your imagination. And it stays in the flavour of your memories. It's what you mention when they say your name and the nightmares you dream of. It is what remains and it is not forgotten. It is a broken heart by oneself.

T.A.

Apathy

You don’t look in the mirror

the tears don’t fall

and in your chest, there is no silence,

there are birds in you that seek freedom

you just don’t know how

and everything hurts

because they have claws

and their wings are daggers.

T.A.

What I want to tell you

I would tell you, that my favourite colour is the yellow-green, the leaves between life and death, still resisting and fighting, that there are time where I don’t sleep because my mind can’t stop thinking of improbable sceneries, I would tell you the way I understand your wounds and that I don’t want to erase them but to cherish because they are you. I would tell you about my unreasonable fear to mechanic stairs and I would confess which poems are yours and which are from pass loves so you could understand my association with love.

I would share with you my sins, my love for the history that tells our past and I would let you know the way my heart beats when I see you.

I would reveal everything, from my victories to my shames, from the injury on my knee to my draws on my wrist, I would talk to you about my favourite bands and of the night I spent listening to yours, that there are times that it hurts to love you, and that is why I run, I would explain that no, it isn’t your fault, it’s just that I have loved and it hurts until I begged to forget.

I would tell you of the first day I met you, and also of the time that I cried until I lost my voice to never know the reason why, I only knew that it hurt, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to walk and to live, it just. Hurt. And I needed to cry. 

I would describe the first time I fell in love, so you could know why you are different, that I just jumped with closed eyes and without thought, that I gambled and I lost more than my heart and reason, that I coned myself, and that is why with you I play with caution, because you, you I do not want to lose.

Because I carry your scent on my skin, your name slips from my lips in every sentence, I look for you in impossible streets and smile because you exist even if it’s miles away, you are the storm and the calm and I want to share with you who I am.

However.

When you stand next to me and you breathe my air, when there are only three steps between us and you make those jokes that have no ending or start and just a middle, when your eyes land on me, my words abandon the boat and I am left speechless.

You leave me with a drunk smile, a smile that I want, no, I need you to know that is yours, I will not, shall not smile like that to no one, this hope and happiness is yours, this need to talk and begin is only yours. To try. 

And is because I have a life to tell.

T.A.