Letter to my love

My Narcissuss,

In answer to your question of three months ago. I used to love your cloud photos and the way you used old words. The same way that you lowered your voice to make a point and at the same time sounding condescending. I used to hate, hate, the way you smiled so silly and dumb, and cute, and raw it was like the darkness in you hadn't found you yet. 

It wasn't easy because you were always letting down and I was always scared, of you, of him, of dancing and staying.

And you stop trying and I stopped waiting. And it was hating to love you and double thinking our time, it was intoxicating and it was the end.

Thus, now I have started hating. Thinking that that is easy. Hating the way your name sounded, the sweaters with the smell of cigarette, the end of a day without seeing you. It was kind of easy like used to it, it didn't hurt but it did bother me, like a missing piece in a puzzle.

And now I miss you. Miss the way you grabbed my wrist, never my hand. The far and beyond you would go for a friend, your short-tempered with your screaming and fighting. I miss the way that you were cold and distant but always warm. And I was missing your hugs and your aftershave, missing my name on your lips and your twisted ways of showing love. I was missing you to the point of no air in the lungs.

I can't hate you, it's impossible. Is wishing for the earth to stop moving, waking up without tea and honey, to forget the color of your eyes. If I could I wouldn't, I would keep hurting and crying, bleeding, sweating than hate you. Then make this crooked photo of you. Where you don't hold me to sleep, don't tell me plans for my escape. Leave me a door open so I can breathe, where I let you down one too many times and you do give up. I can't believe that there is a reality where you are a monster easy to hate. That would be wrong and I would be guilty of a crime.

I used to love the silly way you joked around. How you came all bruised up and bloody without an explanation. The songs you liked to sing low and lovely, my name on your mind, and me with you. We were amazing, a shooting star, a beginning with an end. And I miss you every day, second, minute and month but I could never hate you, my love,

Kind regards,

T.A.