Midnight thoughts

I can’t stop thinking about small scenarios. In where you don’t kiss me, you don’t whisper you love me, you only hold my hand and we walk through the empty streets of my town. Your streets are full of ghosts with broken hearts and lost hope. 

And mine, mine, I want them full of our memories. Walking through the street with the broken traffic light and close bars. You talking slow about your favourite bands and I talk about the last book I read but never finished. 

At one point we go silent, and I have the need to talk. To tell you every secret I have, to not let this silence rule over us. Yet, you look at me, you smile at me, and your eyes shine, be it by the light of the moon or the lanterns that blink. But they shine, and I am speechless, I let the silence to exist. While you hold my hand a little stronger and challenge me to cross the avenue during a green light. Although we both know that there isn’t a car nearby, our heart-beats are fast and we laugh. We can’t contain ourselves in running a little bit farther and faster. We look at each other and our lips are close, a breath away, but we do not kiss.

In other scenarios, is morning and I am in your town, we’re in two different points of it, and yet we met. 

You were going somewhere, a meeting or a need and I was walking, we see each other and we stop. 

We talk and walk, you laugh at my sarcasm and I listen to you talk during three blocks about your broken car. At some point, we forget that we were going somewhere and we walk in look of a square. It’s a nice day and we want to sit down and talk. We want to spend it together.

 With each block that passes, you walk a little closer to me and my heart is in my throat. And is at a red light, in the last corner before the square that you intertwine our fingers. 

You don’t look at me, keeping your eyes forward, but there is a small smile on your lips. 

And there are others, where I torture myself. 

Where you are with another person, where you do kiss them, you hug them, hold their hands and you call them yours. 

In those scenarios, I close my eyes until I see colours and my chest hurts to the point I could cry.  I tell myself that is for the best, that this way I won’t love you. This way we aren't more than friends, this way I cut my wings.  

Even then it hurts and it wounds me when I see the way the two of you talk. How you introduce me to them and that there are three steps between us. 

And you leave me badly hurt and wishing to forget everything.

But, always, and I mean always, there is a twist. 

There is a moment where my brain, my heart, my soul, turn the page and you choose me. 

You hold my hand and you ran away with me. You don’t say that it was always me, you don’t tell me you love me and kiss me during the sunset. 

It isn’t even the beginning of our romance, is a moment we share, where you look at me and you see me. You see the smiles that are for you, my hands that long to hold you, my purple lips that wish to kiss you. You don’t ask me if I hate you or love you, because you know.

And those, those scenarios are the ones I dream of.

T.A.